Tuesday, August 08, 2006

The Bathroom That Wants Me Dead!!!

Starring: ME!

Okay, first: Leslie and Ruth still have another month to raise more funds... or just search that site for some poor schmoe who hasn't been able to raise the required minimum and donate to them instead...

Now, back to the new horror movie starring yours truly.

Remember that bathroom I nearly died in last year? I think it is trying to kill me. Okay, so it's only made two attempts in a fourteen-month period, so when we turn this into a screenplay, we might want to lose some of the down time--but, still, I'm worried for my life. It might try to get me again next summer.

Caution: This story contains the word "urinal". If you can't bear reading the word "urinal", you should probably not read beyond the end of the previous paragraph.

So, today (okay, yesterday, but it's still today in my head) I was in the Restroom of Harrowing Experiences, which is my new name for it.

I flushed the urinal and turned to go, letting go of the handle. The urinal did it's favorite trick, which is to do the urinal equivalent of saying, "Okay, I'm flushi--psych! I'm not flushing!"

This particular urinal does this often, and I was rolling my eyes as I was in the process of stopping to change direction a bit so I could reach back and hold down the handle. That's when it happened. My left foot just went sliding along the floor. My right foot was in mid-step. It was all very slow-motion-y, and I remembered thinking, "Okay, you're going to fall. Just fall in a way where you don't hurt yourself as much."

So, still in slow motion, I let myself fall backwards, saying a quick prayer about halfway down something along the lines of, "God, please don't let me crack my head on the urinal and bleed to death in here... and if that's a given, then please don't let my head land in the urinal." Okay, I'm kidding about the last part. I was mainly just thinking, "I can't die in this bathroom after failing to die in it last summer, right?"

The prayer was answered in the affirmative... or at least with an "Okay..." or maybe a "I'm sorry, what were you saying? Um... I mean, yes, behold my power over urinal concussions!"

Also, second miracle: Kids aren't at school right now, so the floor wasn't... um... icky. Just not cooperative with my sandals, I guess.

However, my camera, which was around my neck for reasons that are not about a creepy guy in a public restroom with a camera, but more about my room being constantly left unlocked while the building is being readied for the upcoming school year (and also more about this site and the fact I'm always taking pictures these days--only, not in the restroom), decided--or reacted according to the laws of physics, more likely, but I like thinking it had some free will--to fly up and hit me in the head. And this is no small camera.

So, I have this strange knot on my... well, not my eye, but on that bony part around the eye. It hurts. Also my elbow keeps complaining that I had plenty of time to land while going in slow motion, but apparently I didn't plan well enough to spare it any pain.

But, I survived this second attempt on my life by the forces of evil that possess that restroom. However, I'm thinking I'm gonna use the restroom next to the nurse's office from now on.

Never a dull moment, folks.


Andy B. said...

Wow - imagine what the preacher might have said at a funeral like that ...

Vieta said...

I shudder to even think of it!