Sunday, April 12, 2009

Why I Haven't Been To Church Since October

First, that's not true. I've been to church several times since October... at least four, anyway. However, it wasn't my church. It was Dane's church--or Dane's and Ruth's church now.

This is going to be one of those posts where you wonder why I'm sharing so much. So if that makes you uncomfortable, go to STILL: Life and check out my funny picture from several weeks back.

Anyway, I went a little crazy at the end of October. I had just about reached the end of my imaginary rope, that was several miles below the end of my actual rope--I'd been fakin' it that long.

I had so much going on, and I was teetering on the edge of... something you don't want to teeter on the edge of.

So while I was trying to juggle school, grad school, tutoring, directing the children's choirs, paying bills, waiting for grad school loans, robbing Peter, putting off Paul a little longer, and so on and so forth, the last straw landed on that camel's back.

It came in the form of an e-mail from someone at the church (and I think copied to several someones at the church... but I'm not sure and my old computer isn't here right now), and I tried really hard to count to 100 before I hit "Reply all" and started typing.

I got to 0.000013, I think.

Anyway, I sent a Vitriol Special to all parties concerned, and essentially told them to piss off and leave me alone until further notice.

Then my life turned around a little, the a little more... then there was a fire, and that sucked, but then there was more life-turning-around-ed-ness... but by then I was hanging in Olathe, and there ain't no way I'm driving up north of a Sunday when I'm already doing it of a Monday thru Friday.

Anyway, I have to make a decision when I move up north in a few weeks. Do I go back to say "Hey" to the people I made an ass of myself in front of, or do I just find another church and move on with my life.

I know wherever I go, volunteering is off the table for a while. What I feel I need right now is some good hard thought about the Bible and my faith in general, seriously. I would love to help, but my helping hand has too many chunks of flesh bitten out of it right now, I think, and I don't have the time or energy to nurse it back to health.

Selfish, no?

I don't know. Feel free to comment, if there's anyone out there who reads these posts o' mine any more. I know when I go to Dane's (and Ruth's) church, I miss having that.

I don't know. So it goes. All the live-long day.


Anonymous said...

I'm sure the people of your church will be happy to see you when and if you decide to return. However, Kathy and I have been thinking of going to a church out in Smithville. Her Aunt is a member and we thought it would be a good way to spend more time with her and her partner. So if you ever want to go let me know and I'll give you the information and maybe Kathy and I can go that day.

Love you,


Tracy Crowe Jones said...

If your church was a place you felt at home and felt a connection to the people then I say go back. We all stumble from time to time (& Lord knows I have), but hopefully the people you've hurt or upset (if in fact that is truly the case) will be loving and accepting as you return.

And about the volunteering, don't push yourself back into it. Sometimes the thing we need most is to take care of ourselves. If we don't take care of ourselves we're really not that much good to others. So, give yourself as much TLC as you need.

Anonymous said...

I hope that you saw this weekend that there are people from your church that care about you and want you back but have been giving you space to heal whatever it is that caused you hurt. And you don't need to volunteer for anything to be a valued person in the church, however when you are ready I have opportunities for you.


EyeRytStuf said...

Thanks, Bert! I loved seeing everyone on Easter. I'll be showing up again soon... probably next month, even!