I should start off by making clear that things are pretty decent right now. Nothing too major bothering me. I mean, there's plenty I can complain about, because I just have great skills in that department, but nothing major is going on.
I wanted to share some quotes about what an awful place the world was, but there were too many good ones to choose from. Seriously, Google "quotes about life being hard" and be amazed. Pick the best one and pretend I used it here.
I'm not down on the world for any particular reason. I was just thinking today about how Dad died twenty-six years ago on this date, and my thoughts brought me around to my whole nearly-dying thing back in 2005, and as I thought about it, I had a bit of a revelation--or a repeated one, if I somehow realized this before.
In that moment when I accepted I was going to die, and there was nothing I could do about it but just observe and learn, part of me was really happy about it.
Don't start looking into putting me on a suicide watch or anything. I'm not saying I want to off myself. I'm saying part of me was just so relieved and... well, really happy at the thought of being done with this world.
I don't know that I've ever realized that before--or maybe I did, but had blocked it out.
I'm not shocked or upset by it--or not much, anyway. And I'm glad I'm here, and hope to be here for quite some time.
It's not that I was all like, "Hooray! I get to meet my heavenly father" and whatnot, as I wasn't much of a church person at that time.
I was just glad to be getting out of this mess of a place. Sure, "devil you know" and all that, but once I accepted I didn't have a choice, I took my silver lining where I could find it!
Mom always said, "This world and one more." It was something to be said when life was difficult or times were not the best. I think of that a lot. I don't know what sort of feeling I attach to it, however. Mostly I just remember Mom and wonder what she thought of it all at the end of her life.
Nobody's answering that one for me, of course. It's just what I wonder.